My Constant Need for others to “be ok” with me….
02 Feb 2012 2 Comments
Today, I have discovered an ugly truth about my heart. I have been told this before, but today it really hit me. I need others to be ok with me in order to be ok. I guess not always, and not with all people (although most) but especially with those I love the most.
My husband and I have gotten into many arguments because of my constant search for affirmation- and blessing. If he shares something that hurts him… and I view it as MY FAULT, I have to figure out a way to make it good or ok again. I may cook his favorite meal, or go out of my way to make sure he is “ok” with me. I have a hard time allowing him to feel hurt, because I just desperately want him to know that my heart is good. Or that I meant good. When in fact, he probably just wants me to say I am sorry.
I think though, that all my efforts to “fix” people’s perceptions of me probably cause more harm than good. Essentially, my efforts are still about me and wanting to be seen as good. I have always been a perfectionist. I struggle deeply if I fail. I also am a very “black and white” or “all good and all bad” kind of person. If I hurt my husband, I am an “all bad wife.” If I hurt a friend, I am an “all bad friend.” Somehow one mistake or judgement in error erases every good thing I have ever done. I become, in my own mind, an ‘all bad person.” I am terrified of losing relationships because I have made a mistake. So I try desperately to “fix” what may even be a perceived pain, because I don’t want that person to be disappointed in me. Or “not ok” with me.
I also feel like if someone is in pain, I have to find a way to make their pain go away. I guess I am not comfortable with other people’s pain- because if I were good enough as a friend, mom, wife, etc the people around me would not feel pain or disappointment. I must have a pretty high opinion of myself if I think I am capable of removing that pain!! I do wish I could though, and even that gets me in trouble often.
I grew up in a home where love was very conditional. If I did not perform in exactly the right way- I would lose love. If I didn’t make an “A,” I was a horrible child. My very existence caused problems, and I often felt unwanted. I have carried the fear that came from living in this type of home into my adulthood. I learned to dance on eggshells- it was required to survive in that environment. But as an adult, I imagine eggshells and still dance, hurting people in the process. Hurting my friends, my husband, and likely even my children. Many people in my life love me regardless. And my efforts to “fix” my errors only cause damage because it takes me out of relationship.
I am this way with God as well. I feel like I have to earn my way back into His good graces. I feel the need to appease Him if/when I fail. And I can never seem to stop failing, or be perfect enough to feel ok with me and God.
I don’t like when people don’t like me. I am desperate for the approval and affirmation of others. I just want people to say “You are a good person. You have a good heart. You are ok.” I search and yearn for that approval. I long for the praise. And most of the time, I feel I am one mistake from losing everything I hold dear.
I think it’s why I don’t like to be “un-friended” on Face Book. I think it’s why I don’t like to hear someone say “You hurt me.” I think it also has a lot to do with my pain of not getting pregnant these last months. I feel like, invariably, I am hurting my husband- and I am fearful that he will reject me. I have tried to “appease” him and he doesn’t need me to.
My husband loves me whether we have a baby or not. If I hurt his feelings or not. If I fail, or not. Because I will fail. I remember the first time he said I had hurt him. I was shocked and in deep pain because, “How in the world could I have hurt you?? I am a good person. I didn’t MEAN to cause you pain.” In fact, at the time, it pissed me off! He used to just hide his true feelings- and we had a lot fewer arguments!! But at least now, arguments or not, I know we have a good relationship because we do hurt each other, and are able to talk through and heal from the pain.
This is my stuff. These are my issues. Some of them anyways. I need people to be ok with me. And when I perceive that I have hurt someone, I often hurt them more trying to fix the way I have caused them pain. I am constantly dancing and in need of approval, affirmation. Constantly worried that I will lose love. In a way, it also makes me prideful- because I am so desperate for others to see my heart. To see my good intentions. And frankly, it’s not always about me.
Isn’t there a quote that says “The road to hell is paved on good intentions?” I may be doing wrong even if I mean the outcome to be good. A “good” idea may have disastrous results.
Ultimately, I need to accept God’s acceptance of me. I need to heal a little more from growing up in a home with conditional love. I need to realize that I will make mistakes, and that sometimes trying to help people be ok with me just causes me to be out of relationship with them. And, I need to not be so hung up on what others think of me. I need what God says about me to permeate my heart. He loves me. He accepts me. He created me in His image, and because of Jesus, my heart is good and lovely. And regardless of my “good intentions” or my own guilt complex, what the Father says about me should be enough.Is enough, really. If i remembered that and acted in response to His voice I would be a lot better off.
Here’s to good intentions– and hoping for more grace filled failings.
Numb
21 Jan 2012 1 Comment
I can’t seem to be consistent writing on this blog. Between Christmas and my two girls, we have been so incredibly busy. This blog kind of reminds me of my diary growing up. I would write like crazy for a few weeks, and then forget about it for a couple months. When I finally got around to writing again I would apologize profusely to my “Dear Diary” and then just pick off where I was that day. Sometimes I would try to recap. Sometimes not.
So, dear readers, and my own heart, I am so sorry I have not written in these last 6 weeks. Christmas was great. New Years was incredibly fun. And I think it’s safe to say we are all back into the normal routine that is our life.
This morning, my pregnancy test came back negative. We started taking Clomid in December. I should have started by now. I have not. And I am not pregnant. I could vent and rage about how I am defective and saddened by that. I could cry and grieve the fact we are not. But, I can’t do either. I am simply…. Numb. We will try again next month. And if we don’t get pregnant, then, we don’t get pregnant. And my heart will choose to trust God with the story He is writing for my life.
“that I would be loved even when I am numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed.” ~Alanis Morissette
“Anxiety Girl” vs “Remember….Beauty from Pain”
01 Dec 2011 3 Comments
A couple of months ago I posted an old note I wrote “regarding infertility.” I followed it up with praise that we were able to have Hope and how God had a plan and purpose in my pain. That pain I have gone through in being “infertile” and “defective” as a woman has not been in vain. I am so happy, so grateful for the two very beautiful girls God has given through the gift of adoption. In fact, I can honestly say, I would not choose biological children over my girls. They are MY daughters and I can’t imagine loving biological children more.
That said, my husband and I are trying for the last time to get pregnant. My infertility issues are strange. In fact- I always wanted to adopt an older little girl BEFORE having biological children. Joy was very much an answer to heart dreams I have had since I was a child. When I was growing up, I played Dr Barbie who adopted 30+ children and her Army Ken fought for the countries freedom and loved her dearly. Very rarely did I even play “getting pregnant.” My friends would stuff their shirts with baby dolls while I pretended to find my children in a mud puddle in the middle of the street and wash it lovingly and care for the child no one else wanted. Adoption has always been at the core of my hearts desires.
However, always in the back of my mind I assumed I would still get pregnant one day. 6 months after my husband and I got married, we were told that it looked like I had had a tubal pregnancy, and that due to other complications I would likely never get pregnant. We never had a “positive” pregnancy test, and I can’t honestly say I have experienced the pain of a miscarriage or even the knowledge that I did indeed get pregnant. My current GYN says that its actually very unlikely the tubal pregnancy happened, and thinks my old GYN was cold and had bad bed side manners.
Four years ago, I had growths in my uterus, which the doctor thought were tumors. I had pre-cancerous cells in another visit, so they scheduled surgery immediately and removed the tumors. They turned out to be non-cancerous- so were reduced to “pollups” or “growths” in my chart. Praise God. In that procedure, the doctor cleared out the scar tissue I had in my tubes, making pregnancy a possibility again. The doctors said if I wanted to try, I should try to get pregnant then. But my husband and I really felt like we were supposed to adopt first. And decided against fertility drugs, and figured if God allowed us to get pregnant we would be thrilled.
Long story short, after we adopted Joy I REALLY wanted a baby. I really wanted to get pregnant. We went on clomid which is a common fertility drug to increase ovulation. I did not get pregnant- I turned into psycho person. Because I was such a psycho person, we stopped taking clomid, and decided to “wait on God” again. Pain. Grief. Heartache. A couple months later Hope came into our lives. Almost two years later, Hope is legally our little girl. And we are happy. And so incredibly blessed!!!
But as we have prayed recently about our family, and God’s desires for our family, and our dreams, etc. we have decided to try to get pregnant again. For the last month and a half the two of us have had a lot of tests just to see if we can narrow down the root of our infertility. At this point we have ruled pretty much every cause of infertility save the fact that I simply do not ovulate on my own. I am extremely healthy. All the blood work I had done this week has come back at all the right levels. My husband’s tests came back that he has no potential risk in our ability to “make a baby.” My uterus is healthy and I have a lot of healthy eggs. The only thing in our way is… not ovulating. My doctor seems to think we have a good chance of getting pregnant on Clomid. We will start taking that the end of this month.
At this point, I should be hopeful. I should be excited. I have a peace from God in trying at least. I know He is leading us down this path. I am healthy. The most healthy I have ever been in my marriage. If we were ever going to have a biological baby- now would be the time. There would be almost 3 years between Hope and a new baby. They would grow up together. Joy is still young enough she could really bond with a baby. Now really SEEMS like the time.
I read a caption on Pinterest that said “Anxiety Girl: Able to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound.” I laughed out loud. That is SOO me!! We have all this good news, all this hope and possibility. And I am already so blessed with my two girls. Even if we don’t get pregnant, I have SEEN how God writes beautiful things into the pain in my life.
But today, I am fearful, not hopeful. Today I am “Anxiety girl.” I seriously need a wand or something!! Though I feel content with the family I have, I find myself starting to grieve over the “what if’s” of not getting pregnant. I know my heart will be ok either way. The problem is, I don’t want to feel the pain of failure if we are yet again unable to get pregnant. Almost all my friends can just “look” at their husband in a sly way and get pregnant. I always have this feeling of worthlessness in regards to my infertility. We have never not tried—6 years of not getting pregnant while one after another of my friends gets pregnant. Somehow, when I “rescued the baby from the mud” growing up, I never imagined the shame I would feel not getting pregnant.
And, the biggest pain is seeing the hope and joy in my husband’s eyes yesterday when I told him we had the official “you are go for launch.” He is so excited, and truly thinks now is our time. He keeps putting his hands on my stomach and asking God to fix it all and give us a baby. Joy has been praying EVERY night that God would let us get pregnant. In fact, two days ago she came and said “Mommy, if God can get Michelle Duggar pregnant 20 times, (she LOVES “19 and Counting”) surely He can get you pregnant ONCE.” She is excited. I don’t want to let them down. Or me down. I know ultimately it is God who gives life. It’s not my fault. But I really need a big dose of His grace today to calm my fears!! And to remember, whatever the outcome, He makes beauty from my pain.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
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With a Thankful Heart
28 Nov 2011 1 Comment
I am so happy this Christmas season. I am so excited! And this may just be the first Christmas that I have been really, genuinely excited about. I have so very much to be thankful for this year.
I know we just passed thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to my readers! Holidays can be both joyous and stressful. Planning menus, scheduling family, DEALING with family conflicts… it can be a lot. My family was all sick last week. Hope (my two year old) started the week with a 104.3 fever, and blisters lining her throat. Joy had the stomach flu, and threw up for two days and my husband ended the week with a fever and flu of his own. I am the only one who did not end up sick. Praise God.
Since our family was sick, we stayed home more than we usually would have in a Holiday week. (I did black Friday shop!) In our time at home, with forced rest I realized how happy and blessed I really am. My husband and I are in a great season of our marriage. I am so incredibly in love with him- and he cherishes me. Joy is out of the tantrum phase she was in, and seems to have re-settled in her role in our family. She seems to be at peace. And Hope is ours. Legally. Adoption final. Last Thanksgiving I grieved, wondering where she would be this year. I did not want to create memories, because I thought those memories would end up laced with pain. I really wondered if I would experience the grief of losing a child. But she is ours. Hope is a permanent member of our family!!
Most Christmas seasons are really hard for me. It seems like it’s at Christmas time that bad things always happen. When I was a little girl, it seemed the time of the year my parents fought the most. It ended up being the time when my dad would leave our family for good, and December was the month my parents officially divorced. My husband and I were actually separated over Christmas a few years ago. (Thankfully, God worked amazing healing in our lives, and we have a wonderful strong marriage now.) I lost a friend this time last year. Financially the end of the year is harder. Family conflict abounds. Fights over where we need to go. When we need to go. Who are we going to see. I worry over offending one parent by spending time with the other. It’s always just so much drama, worry and trouble. Sometimes I wish I could just crawl in a hole and not see anyone!
No one would know I dread Christmas like I do, unless you are really close to me. No one knows the anxiety I feel. It’s like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop because, it is Christmas. Something bad is going to happen. I love giving gifts. That’s about the only part I enjoy. (Gift giving is my love language. I would love to be rich like Oprah and buy people new cars all the time!) I have really enjoyed that part especially since becoming a mommy. I love seeing my girl’s faces light up in delight over some new treasure. But, overall, I live in darkness at Christmastime.
But this year, this season, my heart is different. I am hopeful. I am living in delighted expectation of the Holiday. My presents are all purchased, most wrapped and under my Christmas tree. I have been singing Christmas songs (much to my husband horror.) I feel like one of Santa’s elves. And my heart feels so thankful. So light. Don’t get me wrong, I still have moments of dread- wondering if something is going to steal away this joy. I know I have an enemy out there. But I am not going to allow him, or any one else steal my joy because of fear and anxiety, bad moods or conflict. I am just not.
I have an amazing family! Amazing friends. An amazing God, who continues to be tender with me through all the questions I have had this year. It is with a thankful heart that I truly welcome these Christmas holidays. I feel like a small child again, ready for Santa to come!! Bring on Christmas!
“I Want to Fall in Love With You”
17 Nov 2011 3 Comments
The Christian life is a journey. Over the last few years I have been in a searching season of that journey. I feel I grew up REALLY fast. I always thought of myself as an “old soul” and felt older than many of my peers through high school and even into college. In many ways that was true. I grew up in an abusive, unstable home. I began caring for my brother and sister almost full time when I was 14. My parents got a divorce, and my season to be a teenager and do normal teenage activities was cut short. I always had more in common with my friends’ moms than I did with my friends.
I got married when I was 20. At the time, I thought I was so old, grown up and so ready to face the world. We bought our first house when I was 21 and became parents to Joy when I was 23. Again, I thought I was ready. I thought I had arrived. There is nothing like coming face to face with your own weaknesses, past and insecurities to let you know how NOT ready you really are.
I spent the first couple of years of my marriage undergoing intense therapy, and truly sought the Lord for healing in many areas of my heart. As I allowed the Lord to uncover certain wounds and heal me, more wounds seemed to take their place. Where I felt so secure in my faith, and my walk with Christ, I began to flounder a bit. When I was 20 years old, in therapy, married and overwhelmed, that is when I realized life is a journey. And though God has been faithful through it all, I have had such a hard time realizing I can’t just “arrive.”
In order to survive my childhood, I had to cling strongly to faith. I had to “have it all together” and I was the backbone for my family. I didn’t have time to not be ok, or fall apart. I had to be strong. One of my biggest frustrations the last few years is that I can’t shove stuff inside the way I used to. (During that season, it was necessary for survival- and I was not even aware that’s what I was doing!) I FEEL so much more now. I LIVE- not just survive. And truly FEELING and LIVING takes a lot of courage and heartache. I make SO many more mistakes than I used to. (or at least I am aware of my mistakes now!) I screw up all the time. And I walk feeling defeated so often. I am not the perfect Christian, wife, mom, friend, housekeeper- you name it! (I know- many of you are shocked!)
Today, I connected with my Heavenly Father in a way I have not connected in a very long time. For many months now, I have been angry that I no longer have the ability to go to Him with “childlike faith.” In fact, I often go to Him completely jaded and cynical, if I go to Him at all. But today, He was very sweet and tender with my heart. He really always is, I just don’t receive His tenderness easily.
The past couple of months many things have been stable for the first time in a while. Joy has not had a violent tantrum in 9 weeks (PRAISE GOD)! Hope’s adoption was final in September. (YAY!!) We are feeling stable financially, and have rejoined a sweet fellowship of believers in a Sunday school capacity. My friends are amazing! I feel so loved and accepted. I feel at peace and hopeful for the first time in a long time.
I would think this would make me want to connect with God more, right? But I have not really wanted to. I have felt His gentle pull on my heart. But I have kept Him at arms length because I don’t want to have any more pain. I don’t want to suffer any more. I just want to enjoy this very busy (with a 10 year old and 2 year old) yet restful season of my life. The prayer in my heart has been “Just let us stay- just like this.”
Somehow in the past few years, I changed. I used to believe God was good. As I was honest about my pain, I started questioning that. I used to believe that He was love. Again, honesty made me question. Now I sit, knowing in my head He is good, but my heart REALLY struggles to trust. And I worry that if I draw close to Him, I will experience heartache.
In Sunday school this last week, the teacher’s wife spoke. She spoke on “A New Mindset for Suffering.” She talked about the 3 ways we mostly suffer. We suffer because (1) We live in a fallen world. Or (2) We suffer from the sin done to us. (the ways people hurt us) or (3) We suffer because of our own sin. In all these different areas of suffering, there is an anecdote, kind of. And that anecdote is TRUST. When we suffer because of the world- we can trust God with our story. When we suffer because other people wound us, we can forgive and TRUST God with their story. When we suffer because we screw up, we can TRUST God with our stuff.
She also talked about how suffering produces LIFE. Romans 8:28 says that God works all things together for good, right? Well, usually when people quote that at me- all I feel like doing inside is punching them in the face. When I am hurting, DO NOT quote that verse to me. I really want you to “enter into my pain” as M (Sunday school teacher’s wife) said. However, there is truth to that. The pain I have experienced, when I allowed God to come in and heal me, really has produced life in me. She challenged us to “embrace suffering” as suffering produces life, and draws us into further intimacy with God.
So- trust, and suffering. Puke. Both of those things make me want to vomit. However, I do desire to be connected with Holy Spirit in me. I do want to walk closely with God experiencing His love for me. I want to feel His delight in me, knowing that He wanted a relationship with me from the foundations of the world. But I struggle to trust. I am sure many people struggle to trust! I am so glad that there is no condemnation for my struggle.
And to be honest, with or without God walking with me, I will go through hard times. Not one human being is immune to pain. The beauty is, I don’t have to walk through those hard times alone. I don’t have to worry that if I am close to Him, that I will be hurt. There are seasons of joy and seasons of pain. Today I felt God’s sweet presence. Today, He loved on me and ministered to my heart. And today, I can genuinely say “Yes, Father. Change my mindset on suffering. Help me to see that all things work together to produce life in me. I want to fall in love with You, and know your heart.” Anyways, that’s where I am right now!
Angry or Afraid?
10 Sep 2011 1 Comment
I have not really had the time or energy to post in the last couple of weeks. It seems like every time we have a positive moment, the next few days are very difficult. In fact, as I sit here pondering the last two weeks, I have no idea how to recap what we have been through.
I feel like I have been living in a hurricane of emotions. It’s not really even that Joy is having a harder time. It’s still trying to find the right balance and the right help and support. After calling and talking to more than half a dozen therapy centers, we finally found a doctor who is willing to work with our family. She has a lot of experience working with BP kids, and with adoptive/foster kids. This doctor also believes in working with whole families and in empowering parents to really make changes on behalf of their children.
Dr. H (new therapist) actually offered to talk with and work with me separately from Joy too. I think after her first meeting with me and my husband she could see how discouraged I am. So I met with her on Thursday. And I cried almost the entire session. I explained how angry I have been. And how close to a breaking point I have really felt. I shared with her how it’s getting harder to be what I need to be for Joy in these three hour tantrums. I told her I didn’t like feeling so angry about what we are dealing with.
She looked at me and said “Well, I know it’s our first session, but I am going to jump right in. I don’t think you are really angry. I think you are afraid. I think you are absolutely terrified.” She was absolutely right. During the session, we unpacked a lot of my fears. I am afraid of not being enough for Joy. I am afraid we will not get the right help. I am afraid that because she is dealing with these things that it makes me a bad mom.
The main thing is I am afraid of failing. Not only that, but I have begun to feel like a failure as a mom. I am doing EVERYTHING I possibly know to do – and Joy is still having these rages. I am so afraid she won’t really KNOW that we love her. I am scared I will get in the middle of a rage and not know what to do. Every therapist and doctor I have talked to says that I am “doing” everything right. Inside I am screaming “If I am DOING the right thing, why in the world are we still DEALING with this?!?!?”
In talking with her, I did start to feel some better. I felt less crazy at least. And she also took time explaining and helping me separate the BP as a disorder and my parenting. I have so often believed that kids’ behavior was a direct result of the parenting they were receiving. (Guess I should not have judged!) Dr. H said if we had adopted a child with autism, I wouldn’t think that the behavior was my fault. She said BP without the right balance of meds can be just as severe a disorder as autism. And Joy is definitely not on the right balance of meds yet.
We also talked through why I wanted/chose to adopt an older child first. I explained how I grew up in an abusive home. As I got healing, I decided I really wanted my home to be a safe place for children who had lived and experienced abuse. I wanted to be a safe “haven” for children.
Dr. H began to tell me a story about 9/11. At first, I thought it was little weird until her point really hit home with my heart. She asked if I had ever read about the bombings on the World Trade Center in 1993. Apparently, in that incident they evacuated the buildings and as a result a lot of people died. So, in 2001, when the attacks happened, they made an announcement for everyone to stay at their desks. The people in authority were making decisions for safety based on the past bombings. Unfortunately, the attacks in 2001 were different than the bombs in 1993. If they had evacuated the World Trade Centers in 2001, not as many people would have died. But because so many people had died needlessly in 1993, the safety plan was to NOT evacuate.
She explained that it is in human nature to make decisions and choices based on past pain and experience. We look to the past to make decisions for our future. She gave a couple more examples of this fact. Then she looked at me and asked, “Would what you are offering Joy now have been enough for you as a child?” And my answer was “Yes.” I am giving Joy everything I possibly can. I am a good mom. And Joy is not me. Joy has a disorder and a different past than I had. If I take time to separate the “rages” and focus on the other time we have, I would see that we have a great relationship. Joy is very loved. And I think she really does know that. I have been trying to look at my past experience and pain and because Joy is still struggling, I have assumed it’s because I am not enough of a mom for her.
So, I have been angry. And afraid. And I am working on not allowing Joy’s behavior (good or bad) to define my worth as a mom.
Be mad. Just don’t be mean.
28 Aug 2011 2 Comments
Tonight during our family devotion, our memory verse was, “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it over night and remain silent.” Psalm 4:4. Sometimes during our devotions, I think Joy doesn’t really get it. But tonight’s devotion really caught her attention. She was so responsive. She joined in all the questions, and offered feedback. It was a sweet moment. In fact- we really had a sweet afternoon. We do not get those so often lately…
Last week I ordered a new therapy tool called “Kimochis.” They are these little stuffed animal dolls that have feeling pillows you can store inside the dolls. We have had great dialogue around feelings since having these new tools. Joy and I have always played different feeling games, but all of our old techniques have not been effective of late. Tonight we played with and talked about the feelings “mad” and “cranky.” She actually initiated the play!! Great sign!
We talked about how it is ok to get mad. The Kimochis feeling book actually says, “You can get mad. Really, really mad. But it is never ok to be mean.” This definition is perfectly in line with the biblical concept of “be angry, but do not sin.” Joy really seemed to understand this. She gave examples of times when she has felt angry, and has chosen to be mean. We talked about several other ways to keep from getting to the explosive place.
She asked if we could have a secret sign so that I can warn her if she is getting “mean” when we are in groups of people. We already have a secret sign to remind Joy to respect people’s personal space. We laughed and played around with pretend signs, and finally came up with one that the three of us (my husband too) agreed on.
I was so encouraged by how engaged she was with us tonight. That does not happen often- so it was such a gift. I think raising her dose of medicine is really helping. She always tries so hard. I know that she tries to be “good.” It just seems that if she slips even a little she somehow thinks it doesn’t matter anymore. I think the meds are clearing her brain so that she can recognize her choices, and change her direction without losing complete control. I am so proud of her!!
